Every new beginning comes from some other beginning's end...

 

In a matter of 3 days, I said good-bye to Derek version 3.2, celebrated my 33rd year of breathing on my own with a handful of wonderful friends and family...not to mention the delicious cheeseburger & onion rings...and turned around to say good-bye to a friend who I've spent quite a lot of time with over the past year and a half. 

 

We've grown close, but her friendship is completely unique to me.  I don't think it was until she said goodbye to her friends and my dog Chuck, that I saw her cry.  I think the hug goodbye was possibly our only physical contact.  I can honestly sit back and know that there are great differences between us, but we enjoyed our time together...kinda being 2 single people, hanging out, not together.  I could've let it drive me into the ground, but with the exception of a few moments, I just rolled with her.  I didn't beg for time.  Our time was on her terms mostly. 

 

Through prayer and reflection, she decided that Galveston, that Texas, was no longer where she needed to be.  She needed to be closer to family.  How can you not encourage that???  I was not there to deter her.  She was on a mission.  I admire that in so many ways.  Of course, I laugh a bit, 'cause she calls me stubborn.  Sometimes "conviction" and "stubborn" can be easily blurred. 

 

We'll stay friends and hopefully stay in contact.  We've had a standing appointment every week for several months now.  It's still on my calendar.  I really don't want to take it off.  But she deserves the best going away prayer I can offer with love...Vaya Con Dios! 

 

I think I've finally had enough of daily frustrations.  Having the air sucked out of my proverbial balloon, every morning.  New positive leaves are needed.  Spring leaves!!  I need Church tomorrow. 

 

I don't know where my optimism went.  I see everything "working out" but really my day to day attitude doesn't nurish that plant.  My self-deprication and my pension for trying to get a laugh out of a negative situation, has fed into the "negetive" beast.  The beast exists.  For the past 7 years I've tried fighting against it, ignoring it, and playing dead.  But the beast and I both still exist.  The beast is stronger than me...therefore...I have to remember, Happiness exists too.  Find the Happiness and wrap myself tight in it. 

 

Old habits are hard to break.  New habits are hard to sustain.  Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day...Live everyday with Happiness. 

 

Haven't quite figured out how "Fat Tuesday" is now a 2 week long extravaganza, but that's how Christianity rolls.  I was miserably sick for the first week.  Blood tests confirmed I had 2 strands of the Flu virus!!  Several days of fever, coughing, and no appetite.  Finally started eating half-meals during the past few days.  I guess it was some sort of pre-Lenten cleansing!!

 

So, bring out your lard, russle up some pancakes and savor every last greasy morsel...for morning brings forth the Lenten Season.  40 days of repentence.  40 days of sacrifice.  40 days to center your mind, body and soul...in preparation for Easter renewal.

Based on a comment left on my previous blog, I Googled "Paranoia the destroyer"...HA!  The lyrics SO fit me at this point in my life - in all my relationships.  Ok, there's always been a hint of paranoia in my mind, but maybe it's something I need to work out with a little help from prayer.

 

Until then, below are the lyrics in question.  Enjoy!

 

Destroyer Lyrics
Artist(Band):kinks

 

For a few weeks now I've been feeling a bit emotional.  Sensitive to things people say...or don't say.  Irritable.  Even nauseous under the right (or rather wrong) stress conditions.  I figured it was just a combination of the holidays and inability to navigate out of the friend zone forest.  But I think there's much more of a physiological reason behind it.  I realized yesterday that I've got a few tender spots again.  This happens at least once a year.  You may remember last year that I panicked a bit and made sure through all sorts of scans that I didn't have cancer.  Eventually, the tenderness wore off.  The swelling went down. 

 

I'm much less worried now...so if you see me crying over Hallmark commercials and/or saying things like "Well, if you don't know what you did wrong, than I'm certainly not gonna tell you!" or "I don't want you to do it because I told you to do it, I want your to want to do it!"  don't be too concerned.  This too shall pass.

All due respect to Monty Python, every Day is sacred, but the last day of any year should be celebrated and cherished!  I'm not sure why this particular "last day"  is special other than its overabundance for College Football.  But today, I picked a fight with my supervisor over the headline "Happy New Year" -- which I had posted on our "monthly" bulletin board. 

 

Every month a member of our team is charged with developing that month's board (located on our software/website).  We find or create an image that says "January" or the month in question.  But, finding none to my satisfaction, I went with a decorative "Happy New Year."  For 3 days between the day after Christmas and Friday, I developed with a sense of passion & pride that is scarce in our parts...or at least in my heart...these days.  Conformity is a way of life.  And to tell you the truth, I like conformity most days.  For a long time, new or creative ideas have come to my brain to die.  So, albeit sadly, when the idea to title the board "Happy New Year" instead of "January" came to me...I kinda thought of it as a stroke of genius.  When the idea hit our test environment on Friday, my commrads - well, at least they didn't start a crusade to overthrow me.  Of course, my entire management staff has been on vacation, so no one remarked negatively about it until 7am this morning.  My supervisor wanted it to say "January."  She liked the image, she just didn't like it being the "title."

 

The only reasoning she gave was basically, "it always says the month."  I can't quite figure out why this struck me so personally...except that everything  I do, has a problem with it.  I can't remember the last thing I did that made her shut her mouth.  They aren't "suggestions" if you freaking make me do it.  Seriously. 

 

So I thought, maybe it was "too politically incorrect" - since January 1st marks the Julian/Gregorian calendar's New Year, which is based on Christianity.  Most every major religion and/or culture celebrates it's own "new year" -- but they all have their own months NOT CALLED JANUARY!!!  My more politically-conservative friends and family should get a kick out of this.

 

I really needed to get that out there before I go out tonight...for my sake and my friend's sake.  Gotta put on my happy pants!